17 Subtle Signs of Cheating to Watch Out For (2024)

If Vanderpump Rules' Scandoval has taught us anything, it's that signs of cheating can be hard to spot until after an affair has been revealed. That's because most of us, Ariana Madix included, tend to give our partners the benefit of the doubt as far as fidelity goes. Trust is important in any healthy relationship, right?

But according to a 2016 survey, one in four married and cohabiting young adults admitted to cheating, while only half confessed. In other words, knowing how to catch a cheater has largely fallen—unfairly—on the injured party. (Case in point: It was Madix who found the incriminating video on her ex's phone.)

So people cheat. But how you can you protect yourself? You probably know the obvious signs of cheating, like always coming home late without a solid excuse or finding dating apps on their phone long after you had the “what are we” conversation. In order to really ID a cheater, it pays to follow your gut feelings and watch for signs that aren't as overt.

The following red flags aren't meant to be alarmist—almost all of them can have alternate explanations, so there are no guaranteed signs of cheating—but if your gut is really trying to tell you something, they could prove useful. And if you read the below and find yourself wondering how to break up with your partner, we have a guide to that too.

They regularly accuse you of cheating.

Beyond being classic projection, this gaslighting tactic serves two purposes, says relationship expert and infidelity coach Caroline Madden, LMFT. It puts you on the defensive so you don't have the chance to consider the opposite possibility, and it makes your partner look so anticheating that they couldn't possibly do it to you. It could also be a genuine reaction to them realizing that since they got away with cheating, you probably could too.

They’re taking out a lot of cash withdrawals.

Another telltale sign: Cheaters often use cash when they take their secret partners out so that their SO's can't track where they've been via credit card, says Rhonda Milrad, founder and chief relationship advisor of Relationup. But if you share a financial account, what you can follow is an unusual spike in ATM withdrawals.

They’ve got new sex moves.

Of course, it's possible they've just been doing their research—in which case, great if you're into it—but other signs of cheating combined with a very noticeable sudden change in your sex life could mean they're picking up those new techniques from someone else and discovering new things they like, says Milrad.

They’re suddenly hypercritical of you.

Cheaters will sometimes try to justify their actions by making their relationship out to be so bad that they had no choice, explains Madden. She typically sees this happen in situations in which the cheater feels they're falling in love with their cheating partner, since they have a sense that their affair is happier than their relationship with their significant other.

Your typical relationship issues seem to disappear without an obvious answer for why.

Madden's clients are often surprised to find their partners are cheating because they thought everything was going well around the time the infidelity started. But sometimes the reason things seem to be looking up after a rocky period is because the cheater decided to stop putting in the work into your relationship and have their “needs,” however ridiculous that sounds, met elsewhere.

They’re paying more attention to their looks.

If your SO is once again hitting the gym after a hiatus or buying new clothes outside of their usual style, they could be in an early stage with someone else or even dating more than one person, says Madden.

They forget what stories they’ve told you.

If your partner frequently starts stories with, "Did I tell you this already?" it could mean they're having trouble keeping track of multiple confidants, says psychologist Colleen Long, PsyD.

They’re confiding in you less.

Becoming less inclined to discuss problems with you could be a warning sign that your partner's been venting to someone else, says Long. Even if they're not sleeping with anyone else, this could point toward emotional cheating in a relationship.

They keep strict tabs on your schedule.

Lauren, 33, says her ex started to ask when she was coming home from work more often when he was cheating. Now she sees he was trying to figure out when he and his cheating partner would have the place to themselves.

They have random new hobbies or interests.

“My ex had been content to listen to about eight songs, total, during our entire time together,” Julie remembers. “A bunch of new CDs without any writing to identify their contents—and a sudden interest in a whole host of new music—was due to the influence of this new partner.” Attachment to a particular place can especially be a giveaway: Julie's ex insisted on joining a gym because of a climbing wall when he didn't even climb. It turned out his secret girlfriend was a member.

Your relationship started as an affair.

For some people, there is some truth to the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater.” John, 44, says he should've seen it coming when he got into a relationship with a married woman: “We were good in bed together, but she enjoyed being good in bed with others, too, apparently.”

Cheating was accepted in their family.

Looking back, John thinks his ex's parents should've been a clue. “She came from a family where her mother and father both cheated on each other, and she told me that,” he says. “But her parents were still married. So they set an example for their daughter to follow.” Not every cheating spouse will have children who cheat, of course, but one study in the Journal of Family Issues found that children of cheaters were twice as likely to cheat themselves.

They get irate when you try to confront them.

Someone who hasn't cheated is more likely have a good explanation for their suspicious behavior and do what it takes for you to feel confident. A cheater, however, may get defensive because you've blown their cover, says Milrad: “It is very common for cheaters to deflect responsibility and get irritated by your questions. They often try and shut you down and even criticize you for being too controlling or suspicious.”

They’re suddenly all lovey-dovey.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with this ordinarily, but sometimes, if a partner is showing you tons of affection out of the blue, they could be trying to make up for their infidelity. “The fear of getting caught can cause a cheating partner to overcompensate in effort to minimize questioning of their love or commitment,” says Lori Kret, a psychotherapist and cofounder of the Aspen Relationship Institute. “If the partner is feeling guilt, instead of ending the affair that is meeting a psychological need, they may try to address the guilt by becoming more present in the relationship and putting in more effort.”

They’re protective of their devices.

“Cheating partners may begin keeping their cell phones out of view and leaving the room more frequently with them,” says Kret. “They may close their laptops more often and change screens when you enter the room. They will also make excuses for why you can’t use their devices for commonplace tasks like taking a photo or making a restaurant reservation.” The reason why is obvious: They're cheating on phone calls, social media, or texts and are hiding their communications with someone else.

They’re pulling back from you.

Another sign of infidelity in marriage or a relationship is that your partner isn't communicating with you as often, doesn't have as much time to spend with you, and/or has become less interested in sex. “If your partner suddenly has less interest in physical or emotional intimacy, this can be a sign they’re getting what they need elsewhere,” says marriage and family therapist Kalley Hartman. “Cheaters tend to spend less time with their partners than usual because they are allocating more of their attention to someone else.”

They’re reluctant about public outings.

If your partner wants to spend all your date nights at home, that could also point toward cheating. “Cheating requires a lot of effort, and taking multiple people out risks being seen by others that know you,” says marriage and family therapist Nikquan Lewis.“A decrease in public outings without reason may indicate an issue.”