Written byA.J. Mahari
Who is your loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder – really? Does he or she sometimes act kind or caring and then on a dime, out of nowhere, either rage or disengage, detach, and give you the silenttreatment?
Does he or she emotionally and verbally punish you with verbal abuse? Does your loved one have a very low frustration tolerance for any frustrated want or need? Does your borderline loved one have to be right? Is he or she incapable of being disagreed with?
If you haveBorderline Personality Disorder, do you you know who you really are? Are you aware of the many ways that you are hurting not only those around you but yourself? Do you still need to take the journey from False Self to Your Authentic Self?
The New Book On Borderline Personality Disorder
A.J. Mahari has a new ebook available now called,Punishment and Revenge In Borderline Personality Disorder –The Unmastered Talionic Impulse In BPD – What Loved Ones Need To Know.
This ebook includes 5 chapters and 161 pages of illuminatinginformation offered through Mahari’s inside out awareness of the various aspects and issues that make up the foundation of the manifestation of the punishment and revenge that many borderlines seek against their loved ones.
“In this in depth ebook, A.J. Mahari masterfully explains how and why those with Borderline Personality Disorder punish others and seek revenge on those closest to them. Mahari gives the loved ones of those with BPD an inside out understanding of punishment and revenge in BPD.”– Joan Van Vork, M.S.W.
This ebook also features:
- 7 Illusions That Guide the Borderline False Self to punish others
- The Karpman Drama Triangle and Cycles of BPD punishment
- The Child/Victim Archetypes & BPD Punishment and Revenge
- 20 Foundational Keys of The Talionic Impulse For Revenge in BPD
- Freud’s Myth of the Primal Horde as relates to BPD Punishment
- The 15 most common elements in Borderline Punishment Cycle
- How Borderlines Punish – 7 Common Questions
- Why Borderlines Punish – 7 Common Questions
How BPD Affects Loved Ones
It is very common for those who are non-personality disordered to be very confused by this alternating punishment/revenge/rage/anger/silent treatment and then “okayness” or calmness and relative civility.
It leaves loved ones exhausted, feeling lost to themselves often, frustrated, hurt, and in some cases feeling like maybe they are losing their minds.
Many wonder if the person in their lives with BPD is actually two or more people because the attitudes and behavior displayed in the all-bad side of the splitting cycle are so mean, cruel, often abusive, and so unlike who they thought their loved one was or who they still hope the loved one really is.
Is it his or her way or the highway? Is it his or her way or cycles of punishment and revenge? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells? Do you feel damned if you do and damned if you don’t, confused if all goes well and confused when it all goes to hell in a handbasket in a heartbeat?
Punishment And Revenge
Punishment and revenge are central to the manifestation of what Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is and means when it comes to relationships. The struggle of those with BPD relationally, is rooted in a proverbial no-win situation.
Borderlines do not know how to cope with intimacy – it leaves them feeling engulfed. Borderline don’t know how to cope with healthy distance (the moving in and out between the two) in a relationship either because it triggers feelings of abandonment.
Either way, what borderlines end up feeling is treated unfairly. Whatever lands in the unfair category in the mind of someone with BPD will be fuel for the fire of punishment and/or revenge.
For both loved ones, and indeed those with BPD a toxic relational dynamic emerges and is repeated in cyclical and patterned ways. This toxic relational dynamic revolves around the punishment and revenge sought by those who have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Again, for both those with BPD and their loved ones, understanding more about the roots and reasons for the punishment and revenge that is the culmination of so many of the traits and defense mechanisms of BPD can and will help you to gain much more insight into effective ways to cope.
Loved ones need to understand how and why trying to change or rescue someone with BPD often only serves to enhance their continued suffering. Borderlines need to become more aware of how and why they punish and seek revenge and how that effects those they desire to be close to.
FAQs
Individuals with BPD may withdraw affection, attention, or support from the person they have devalued. They may become emotionally distant, ignore their messages or calls, or even cut off contact entirely as a way to punish or distance themselves from the person they perceive as unworthy.
Do people with BPD take revenge? ›
Whatever lands in the unfair category in the mind of someone with BPD will be fuel for the fire of punishment and/or revenge.
How do BPD react to being ignored? ›
A person with BPD is highly sensitive to abandonment and being alone, which brings about intense feelings of anger, fear, suicidal thoughts and self-harm, and very impulsive decisions. When something happens in a relationship that makes them feel abandoned, criticized, or rejected, their symptoms are expressed.
What hurts a BPD the most? ›
Relationships are an ongoing challenge and frequently a source of pain for someone with BPD because they're eager for connection but they're also terrified of having others abandon them. They may be demanding of their partner's time and attention, which can trigger resistance or resentment from the partner.
Do people with BPD become abusers? ›
It is from the core of this emotional dysfunction that borderlines end up abusing either themselves, others, or both. Non-borderlines, are often on the receiving end of many types of abuse.
Do borderlines know they hurt people? ›
It's also helpful to remember that people with BPD don't usually realize that they're being hurtful—the feelings of abandonment, especially from past traumas, often cause them to overreact. No matter how much you love someone, it's not your responsibility to treat their condition.
Do BPD regret hurting you? ›
During rage, a person may say or do things that they later regret. This could lead to ending the relationship in the heat of the moment. BPD rage is often followed by significant regret and shame.
Why do borderlines want to hurt you? ›
Maintaining a relationship with a friend or family member with BPD can be difficult. However, it's important to understand that people with BPD often engage in destructive behaviors not because they intend to hurt you but because their suffering is so intense that they feel they have no other way to survive.
How do you discipline someone with BPD? ›
Set Boundaries: Clear, consistent boundaries are essential for children with BPD, providing a sense of security and predictability. Encourage Responsibility: Encourage them to take responsibility for their actions to help them understand the consequences of their behavior.
How to disarm a borderline? ›
A way to disarm borderlines is to set boundaries and to reinforce them. Healthy boundaries in your home or within your family are helpful for the comfort of others and the safety of your parent.
But with some individuals with BPD, you don't want to get into the habit of allowing certain things such as calls after hours, visits to your home without announcing it, borrowing your things and never returning them, driving your car and keeping it longer than they should, etc.
What is the biggest trigger for BPD? ›
Feeling rejected or abandoned
Fear of abandonment is a common symptom of BPD. Anything that causes someone to feel rejected or abandoned could be a BPD trigger. While these fears are especially common in romantic relationships, any real (or perceived, for that matter) abandonment could escalate BPD symptoms.
Why do BPD people go silent? ›
The Roots of Silent Treatment
Silent treatment in BPD can be traced back to the person's fear of abandonment or rejection and difficulty managing emotions and interpersonal relations.
Are borderlines aware of their actions? ›
Personality disorders are chronic (long-term) dysfunctional behavior patterns that are inflexible, prevalent and lead to social issues and distress. Many people who live with borderline personality disorder don't know they have it and may not realize there's a healthier way to behave and relate to others.
What are the inappropriate behaviors of borderline personality disorder? ›
A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones. A distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self. Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating.
What is the dark side of borderline personality disorder? ›
People with borderline personality disorder have a significantly higher rate of self-harming and suicidal behavior than the general population. If you or someone you know is struggling or having thoughts of suicide, call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org .
How to discipline someone with borderline personality disorder? ›
Set Boundaries: Clear, consistent boundaries are essential for children with BPD, providing a sense of security and predictability. Encourage Responsibility: Encourage them to take responsibility for their actions to help them understand the consequences of their behavior.
