Relationship dynamics can be extremely challenging when one partner has borderline personality disorder (BPD). It is important to be aware of the stages of a BPD relationship, as knowledge is a valuable asset when managing any mental health issue. Understanding these stages can empower both individuals involved to make informed decisions and navigate the complexities of a BPD relationship more effectively. By doing so, the likelihood of experiencing a chaotic relationship can be reduced.
The Challenges of the BPD Relationship Cycle
One of the biggest challenges in a BPD relationship is the ongoing turbulence caused by the frequency and intensity of the emotional needs of the individual with borderline personality disorder. This challenge becomes even more difficult when one or both partners are unaware of the condition or if there hasn't been a proper diagnosis. Lack of knowledge, disclosure, and transparency contribute to the complexity of BPD relationships. Navigating the ups and downs of the ongoing borderline relationship cycle can be exhausting and may lead both partners to question whether love should be this demanding .
The 7 Stages of the BPD Relationship Cycle
The BPD relationship cycle is characterized by a push and pull pattern. While there are four types of BPD, each with unique traits, most individuals with BPD oscillate between being open, loving, kind, and generous, and then rejecting their partner with malicious and spiteful behavior in an attempt to have their emotional needs met.
First Stage of a BPD Relationship: Attraction The initial stage of a BPD relationship is often referred to as the honeymoon phase. There is a strong attraction, and the BPD partner may mirror their lover's mannerisms and interests. It may feel like a true soulmate connection during this phase, which can last from several weeks up to six months.
Second Stage of a BPD Relationship: Obsessive Neediness In this stage, the relationship begins to shift towards more dysfunctional tendencies. The BPD individual may become irritable and nit-pick over perceived negative behaviors aimed at them. This stage also marks the beginning of neediness and fear of abandonment. The borderline partner may feel unloved if their calls and texts are not immediately responded to .
Third Stage of a BPD Relationship: Withdrawing and Withholding During this stage, the borderline partner may start withdrawing and withholding as a strategy to get their emotional needs met. They may instigate arguments to make their partner fight for the relationship and meet their expectations. This behavior is an attempt to feel more regulated and secure within themselves .
Fourth Stage of a BPD Relationship: Escalating Devaluation If the desired attention is not received, this stage can see a worsening of the relationship. The BPD individual may enter panic mode due to their abandonment wounding, leading to increased fights, devaluation, gaslighting, and victimization. These instances can often come out of nowhere and contribute to the failure of many BPD relationships .
Fifth Stage of a BPD Relationship: "The Break Up" When the relationship reaches a breaking point, the borderline partner may announce a breakup or leave without warning. This can happen seemingly out of nowhere, and it may be due to their emotional needs being met elsewhere, possibly with a favorite person. During this stage, they may accuse their partner of having a disorder or dysfunctional behavior.
Sixth Stage of a BPD Relationship: Return and "Repair" In some cases, there may be a reconciliation after a breakup, especially in new relationships. The borderline partner may return, and the other partner, wanting them back, may take on the blame and promise to meet their emotional needs. Although there might be another honeymoon period, it is usually shorter than the initial attraction phase.
Seventh Stage of a BPD Relationship: The Cycle Repeats The final stage marks the beginning of a new cycle. It is important to note that each case of BPD is unique, and there is no absolute pattern for how each cycle plays out. However, BPD relationships tend to work in some form of a cycle. In successful BPD relationships, both partners learn how to manage these cycles .
The 7 Stages of Healing During Recovery from BPD
Living with a diagnosis of BPD can initially feel overwhelming. However, there is a great deal of therapeutic support available through modalities such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Mentalization-Based Therapy (MBT), and Transference-Focused Psychotherapy (TFP). Additionally, personal stories of recovery shared online can provide valuable insights into the condition.
While the stages of healing from BPD may vary from person to person, the following outline provides a general overview:
BPD Recovery Stage 1: Denial The healing journey often begins with denial, as individuals may struggle to accept that something is wrong. Justifying past toxic relationships and life choices can be uncomfortable when faced with the realization that their behavior has been harmful to others.
BPD Recovery Stage 2: Confusion After living with dysfunctional behavior and experiencing recurring patterns, individuals may start questioning why others seem less conflicted. This phase can introduce the concept of BPD, but confusion may persist due to memory gaps caused by dissociation.
BPD Recovery Stage 3: Resistance As individuals learn more about their condition and the impact of dissociation on their memory, they may enter a phase of resistance. Accepting responsibility for high-risk behavior and uncomfortable patterns can be triggering and may lead to trauma and dissociation as coping mechanisms .
BPD Recovery Stage 4: Anger When resistance can no longer be maintained, emotional outbursts, including anger, may occur. These outbursts serve as coping mechanisms, providing a sense of safety and familiarity, even though they are dysfunctional. However, they can lead to increased isolation and activate abandonment wounds.
BPD Recovery Stage 5: Depression Following anger, individuals may enter a stage of deep introspection and soul-searching. The realization of the difficulty in maintaining relationships and missed opportunities can lead to profound sadness and even thoughts of suicide. The duration of this stage varies based on the intensity of the condition and the individual's capacity for self-forgiveness.
BPD Recovery Stage 6: Acceptance At this stage, individuals gain a broader understanding of their condition and can hold it in their minds without experiencing as much dissociation or anger. The diagnosis no longer feels burdensome but rather a relief and an opportunity for personal growth and healing.
BPD Recovery Stage 7: Therapy Entering a therapeutic setting marks the beginning of the healing process. Individuals can learn effective coping strategies to reduce stress and make better life choices. Understanding the impact of their condition on others allows for improved relationships and the potential for full recovery.
Supporting a Partner with BPD During the Relationship Cycle
Maintaining relationships can be challenging for individuals with BPD, but with the right awareness, it is possible to provide effective emotional support without enabling their behaviors. Clear communication is key to supporting both your partner and yourself within a BPD dynamic. Honest and open conversations about patterns and awareness of the stages of the cycle can make the relationship easier to navigate. Recognizing when your partner is projecting insecurities can prevent triggering and enable you to provide constructive support. By understanding their abandonment wounds, you can respond in ways that promote healing rather than reinforcing dysfunctional behavior .
Frequently Asked Questions About Borderline Personality Disorder
Q: How do borderlines handle relationships? A: Individuals with BPD often prioritize their own emotional needs within a relationship. When these needs are not met, it can lead to mood swings, angry outbursts, devaluation of their partner, chronic feelings of abandonment, and impulsive or irrational behaviors.
Q: Do those suffering from BPD regret breaking up? A: BPD individuals may express intense regret after a breakup due to their abandonment wounds. They may attempt to repair the relationship to alleviate their anxiety.
Q: Why do those with BPD end relationships? A: Borderlines may end relationships as a way of seeking validation from their partner. By initiating a breakup, they can regain control of the relational dynamic and set the terms for reconnection.
Q: Why do BPD relationships not work? A: BPD relationships often struggle, especially when the condition is undiagnosed. Lack of awareness can lead to a lack of compassion and understanding, causing the supporting partner to become worn down and exhausted over time .
Q: What is the average length of a BPD relationship? A: Studies have shown that the average length of a BPD relationship for married or cohabiting couples is 7.3 years. However, relationships can vary greatly, with some lasting 20+ years and others lasting 2-4 years.
In conclusion, understanding the stages of a BPD relationship and the stages of healing during recovery can provide valuable insights for both individuals involved. By fostering open communication, awareness, and compassion, it is possible to navigate the challenges of a BPD relationship and support the healing process.
