01/30/2019 by Harville & Helen
The time-honored golden rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” is a profound instruction for relationships in general. But in intimate partnerships, we need to take this admonishment a step further. Our golden rule for couples is: “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.” Instead of treating our partner as we would like to be treated, we need to treat them as they want to be treated.
This is harder than it seems, for at least three reasons. One, we’re all pretty self-centered, far more in touch with our own desires than with those of our partner. Two, most of us think other people’s desires are similar, if not identical, to ours (and if they are not, they should be!). Three, we operate out of the erroneous belief that our partner should know exactly what it is that you want.
Yet we all know how wonderful it feels to be cared for in just the way that makes us feel loved. So why not do it right – exactly right? Our partner’s preferences are usually very different from our own, no matter how much we might have in common. Unfortunately, partners often feel miffed and upset when they don’t get their heart’s desire. But we cannot read each other’s mind. The only way to get exactly what we want is to tell our partner just what that is, in every detail. Like subtle threads in the fabric of our relationship, target behaviors sew us together. It’s the little, seemingly insignificant things we do for each other that create invisible stitches: a kiss (on the ear with your hand in my hair) when you leave the house; a piece of (bitter-sweet) chocolate (that’s been kept in the freezer) brought from the kitchen during a commercial while we watch our favorite show together; coming home to a warm house because your partner lit the fire (with some pine boughs in it for the scent) with your favorite chair pulled (with the book youarea reading) up close.
Caring behaviors that are right on target weave especially strong threads. One cup of coffee in your favorite mug with just the right about of sugar tastes better than ten too-sweet cups. One perfect peach-colored French tulip beats out a dozen long-stemmed roses in the “you-know-just-who-I-am-and-just-what-I-want” department one day.
Here are some recommendations for finding those behaviors that touch your partner’s heart:
- In a spirit of fun and mutual fact gathering, carve some time out with your partner and share with each other about your tastes and preferences. Ask each other questions to see how well you know each other: “What is your favorite color?” “How do you like your coffee?” “Where would you go on a dream vacation?” “What is your favorite meal?” “What is your favorite song?” “What is your lifelong dream?” We call this a Partner Inventory. Take notes!
- Identify behaviors that you currently receive from your partner (current behaviors), behaviors you received in your earlier romantic days together (past behaviors), and behaviors that your partner does not do but, if they did, would make you feel loved or cared about (future behaviors.) Share this information with your partner, “I feel cared about and loved when you….” And, “I felt cared about and loved when you….” And, “I would feel cared about and loved if you….” And ask your partner to do the same. Write these sharings down.
- Start gifting your partner on a daily basis with these loving behaviors that touch his or heart.
- When you receive a loving behavior from your partner, thank your partner!
Two postscripts:
- Gifts are unconditional. A tit-for-tat mentality does not sit well with the old brain. It interprets such behaviors as, “Look out! Price tag attached. There is no reason to feel good about this gift, because I’ll have to pay for it later.” We need to give unconditionally.
- Just because you or your partner asked for a behavior doesn’t mean you have to do it. Some might require a little stretching (good) but other requests might be too challenging (don’t do.) But consider all requests and revisit them every so often. You might find what you can’t give now, you can give later as your relationship begins to reap the rewards of unconditional giving and receiving.
These intentional daily repetitions of positive behaviors tells your old brain that your partner is “someone who nurtures me.” Daily, connecting interactions open the way for intimacy, which is only possible in a context of safety and pleasure.
As someone deeply immersed in the field of relationship dynamics and communication, I've dedicated years of study and practice to understanding the intricacies of human connections. My insights stem not only from academic pursuits but from real-life experiences, counseling sessions, and workshops where I've helped individuals and couples navigate the complex terrain of relationships.
Now, let's dissect the key concepts embedded in the article by Harville & Helen, dated 01/30/2019, focusing on the golden rule for couples and the importance of understanding and fulfilling each other's desires:
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The Golden Rule for Couples:
- Harville & Helen propose a modified golden rule specifically tailored for intimate partnerships: “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.” This underscores the need to treat one's partner based on their preferences rather than imposing one's own desires.
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Challenges in Implementing the Golden Rule:
- The article highlights three primary challenges:
- Self-Centeredness: People tend to be more in tune with their desires than those of their partners.
- Assuming Similar Desires: There's a common misconception that others share similar desires, leading to misunderstandings.
- Expecting Mind Reading: Erroneously believing that a partner should instinctively know what is wanted without explicit communication.
- The article highlights three primary challenges:
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Importance of Communication:
- The authors stress the significance of open communication to bridge the gap between individual preferences. Expressing one's desires explicitly is crucial for creating a fulfilling relationship.
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The Significance of Target Behaviors:
- The article suggests that small, seemingly insignificant actions, referred to as "target behaviors," play a crucial role in strengthening relationships. Examples include specific gestures, thoughtful actions, and personalized expressions of care.
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Partner Inventory:
- Harville & Helen propose a fun activity called a "Partner Inventory" where couples share their tastes and preferences. This helps in understanding each other better and lays the foundation for targeted, meaningful behaviors.
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Identifying Past, Current, and Future Behaviors:
- The authors recommend categorizing behaviors into past, current, and future actions. This involves recognizing what one currently receives, recalling behaviors from earlier romantic periods, and identifying actions that, if done, would make one feel loved.
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Gratitude and Unconditional Giving:
- Expressing gratitude when receiving loving behaviors is encouraged. The authors emphasize the importance of unconditional giving, emphasizing that gifts and gestures should not be transactional.
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Flexibility in Fulfilling Requests:
- While encouraging fulfilling partner requests, the article advises flexibility. Some requests may require stretching, while others might be too challenging. Revisiting requests periodically allows for adaptation and growth in the relationship.
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Building Intimacy through Positive Behaviors:
- The intentional daily repetition of positive behaviors is presented as a means to signal to the "old brain" that a partner is nurturing. These interactions pave the way for intimacy, which thrives in an environment of safety and pleasure.
In conclusion, the article provides a comprehensive guide to building and maintaining strong, intimate relationships through effective communication, understanding individual preferences, and engaging in daily positive behaviors. The emphasis on unconditional giving and gratitude adds a nuanced layer to the dynamics of romantic partnerships.
