It’s been four months since you started dating Jim. You’ve gone hiking, binged the entirety of Succession together and eaten at his favorite pizzeria so many times you feel like the staff knows you’re together. But you haven’t met any of his actual friends—let alone any family. Wait, you did run into his college buddy on the street, though! And they chatted for a bit…but now that you think about it, he glazed right over an introduction, didn’t he? And when you posted a pic of you two, he asked you to delete it. Welp, take a seat. We’re sorry to say it, but it sounds like this Jim character is stashing you. Stashing, or pocketing, is basically when someone you're dating hides you from their friends and family, and, unsurprisingly, it's super toxic. Below, find out how to deal if you suspect someone is stashing you.
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Hold Up. What Is “Stashing,” Exactly?
Stashing—sometimes referred to as pocketing—is when one person in a relationship makes the conscious decision to hide the other person from his or her inner circle, and yes, that includes both in real life and on social media. (Deep breaths.) Of course, this is so much more a reflection of the stasher than the stashee, but c’mon, it’s downright rude and hurtful as hell.
Great, the Person I’m Seeing Is Stashing Me. Why Is This Happening?
There’s no one reason why stashing happens, but we spokewithmarriage and couplestherapist Irina Firsteinabout it.She told us the stasher may be stashing you becausethey 1) areembarrassed byor haveissues with their family, 2) don’tsee a serious future with youor 3) arecarrying on another relationship simultaneously. None—we repeat,none—of these reasons (or any others) are goodenough to justify making you feel like dirt, but having a little bit of insight might take the edge off.
How Do I Bring Up Stashing to the Person I’m Seeing?
“Ask them why you haven’t met anyone important in their life,” Firsteinsays, “and follow up with questions if they give you the runaround.”(Psst:“There hasn’t been a convenient time” can be filed under “runaround.”)The conversation might bring you closer together over some shared vulnerabilities—maybe the so-called stasher is not on speaking terms with certain family or friends after afalling-out—but there’s also the potential for the opposite to happen.
What if I’m Met with Backlash?
If this person is doing something hurtful to you and they respond in any way that’s not supportive, understanding or at least curious, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship, becauselet’s be honest, that wasn’tthattough of a question. Sidestepping your feelings is a major red flag. And,as Firsteinseesit,“Ifthey play ignorant, that’s a form of manipulation.” Tough love, people.
Remember that a caring partner will not want you to feel this way, and if they really do have a good reason for keeping you stashed, likeafamily matter or they just weren’t “there” yet, they’ll be receptive to the conversation and interested in moving forward. If not, then you deserve to be with someone who wants to roof you. (That’sthe term we just made up that means“shout from the rooftops that they get to be with you.”)
Editor
From 2019-2020 Ariel Scotti held the role of Editor at PureWow covering trends, wellness and more.
