How do I make someone talk about an issuewhen they don’t want to?
That’s the question Lisa* asked me afterattending my Don’t Shoot the Messenger workshop.
Lisa was married with four kids and herrelationship with her husband was in trouble.
She’d tried to speak with him about theirchallenges many times, but he point-blank refused to engage.
She asked me what she should do.
The simple answer is you can’t MAKE someonetalk about an issue if they don’t want to. You also can’t MAKE them listen toor hear what’s being said.
What you can do though, is influence themby framing the conversation in a way that encourages them to participate.
Here are six tips on how:
- Consider the timing. While there’s no ‘right’ time to have a tough conversation, avoid having it in the heat of an argument, in front of others, or when one of you is rushing out the door.
- Give them the why . Explain why you want to have the conversation. Make your intention clear - it’s about wanting to improve the situation, not blame and accusations.
- What’s in it for me? This is the big one: Tell them how having the conversation will benefit them. What will they get out of having it? How will it help or improve the situation
- Manage your emotions. As difficult as it is, model the behaviour you want to see in them. That means being open, curious and calm rather than defensive, aggressive and upset.
- Empathise. Put yourself in their shoes and show that you understand this is difficult for them. You might say, “I get that you don’t want to have this conversation” or “I know this is difficult to talk about…”
- Outline the next steps. Reinforce why having the conversation is essential to you and make it clear what choice or action you will take if they refuse to engage. This is not about making threats, it’s about being honest and clear about what their decision means for you.
After that, the ball’s in their court. Givethem time to process and think about it and then let the chips fall where theymay.
You’ve outlined your choice and now it’stime for them to make theirs.
Hopefully, they’ll come to the party andhave the tough conversation, but if they don’t and you decide to walk away –from either the conversation or the relationship – you can do so knowing youdid everything you could.
*Name changed.
Leah Mether is a communications and soft skill specialist. She works as a speaker, trainer, facilitator, coach and author. Her book Soft is the New Hard: How to Communicate Effectively Under Pressure is described as a masterclass for leaders.
#communication #feedback #courage #empathy #conversation #relationships
I'm Leah Mether, a seasoned communications and soft skills specialist with a deep understanding of effective communication under challenging circ*mstances. My expertise extends to areas such as feedback, courage, empathy, conversation dynamics, and relationships, as evidenced by my work as a speaker, trainer, facilitator, coach, and author.
In my book, "Soft is the New Hard: How to Communicate Effectively Under Pressure," I delve into the intricacies of communication, providing a masterclass for leaders. This work showcases my firsthand knowledge of the challenges individuals face in expressing themselves, especially in high-pressure situations.
Now, let's break down the key concepts discussed in the article you provided:
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Timing of Conversations:
- Emphasizes the importance of choosing the right time for a tough conversation.
- Advises against having discussions during arguments, in public, or when rushed.
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Stating the Why:
- Encourages individuals to explain the purpose behind the conversation.
- Emphasizes the intention to improve the situation rather than placing blame.
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WIIFM (What’s in it for me?):
- Highlights the significance of expressing the benefits for the other person.
- Encourages individuals to articulate what the conversation can achieve and how it can positively impact them.
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Emotional Management:
- Advocates for modeling desired behavior during tough conversations.
- Recommends being open, curious, and calm instead of defensive, aggressive, or upset.
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Empathy:
- Promotes putting oneself in the other person's shoes.
- Suggests acknowledging the difficulty of the conversation and expressing understanding.
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Next Steps:
- Reinforces the importance of the conversation and clarifies potential actions or choices.
- Emphasizes honesty and clarity without resorting to threats.
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Giving Space for Decision:
- Advises giving the other person time to process and think about the conversation.
- Acknowledges that the decision is ultimately theirs.
The article provides practical tips for navigating difficult conversations, acknowledging the complexity of interpersonal dynamics and offering a strategic approach to influence and encourage participation. These concepts align with my expertise in communication and soft skills, emphasizing the importance of empathy, clarity, and emotional intelligence in fostering effective dialogue.
