Last month I wrote about the underbelly of soft skills, one of which is humility. It’s hard to argue against humility because it sounds like you’d be arguing for arrogance.
But that’s not necessarily the case. Humble doesn’t mean meek or lacking confidence. True humility breeds confidence, the kind that doesn’t need to boast accomplishments, be the loudest in the room - the one who’s always right - and take credit for every success.
True humility allows a leader to listen to others, gather different points of view, and admit he/she may not have all the answers.
But humility can become a crutch for a leader when he/she gathers different points of view if they perpetually don’t know in what direction to go. It can become a crutch if they lack the confidence to lead a team and yield to other more confident individuals.
One 2018 study (see: reference below) found that humility in a leader is only desirable if the team desires an equal power dynamic within the group. If a team desires a take-charge kind of leader, however, then acting with too much humility is perceived as weakness.
When humility is a weakness (excessively humble) disguised as a strength, it will actually weaken your influence and possibly sour your team to you if they don’t respect you because you are too humble, too meek, too unwilling to stand firm and lead when needed.
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After all, we still want our leaders to lead and instill confidence. We want someone knowledgeable and with vision.
So here are some things to do to go from being a bit too humble, to just the right amount of humble…
“THIS MIGHT SOUND STUPID, BUT…”
Ever preface your point with a disclaimer like, “This might sound stupid” or “I may be wrong about this...?”
Of course. We all have. In case what we said does indeed sound stupid we’ve warned our listener. We’ve also tipped the scale in their brain that what we’re about to say is probably stupid and shouldn’t be respected.
Disclaimers show humility, but prefacing points we secretly believe in works against us. This isn’t humility, this is insecurity.
If you have something to say, it’s best to simply say it. It’s most likely not stupid and, if it is, it’s going to be stupid whether you disclaim it or not.
BALANCE COLLABORATION WITH DECISION-MAKING
Collaboration and consensus-building is a wonderful thing … until it isn’t. As is the case with many soft skills, it’s a balancing act. Collaboration and gathering different points of view from your employees creates employee engagement and meaning for people’s lives. They feel part of the organization, like what they say and think matters. That’s the upside.
The downside is being overly collaborative, needing consensus on every point before you can move forward or make a decision. When collaboration spills over into indecision is when a leader derails.
To break the spell of over-collaboration, make it a personal goal to reach a decision by the end of a meeting. If you find, as a leader, that you have trouble having the last word on an issue, set a goal of checking something off your list. It can be minor. The important thing is to get in the habit of making decisions so it feels like an organic part of your personality.
Holding yourself accountable for outcomes and decision-making creates an air of moving forward versus being stuck in what can become the rabbit hole of collaboration.
ADMIT FAULT BUT NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF LETTING OTHERS OFF THE HOOK
Yes, yes … as leaders, we need to take responsibility and hold ourselves accountable for the actions of our team. However, this needs to be balanced with holding other people accountable for their performance as well.
When you catch yourself saying, “It’s my responsibility” but are really thinking “He/she didn’t do their job and now I have to take the fall,” it’s a sign that it might be time to teach someone else accountability.
In this day and age, we like to point all the fingers at the leader but the fact is we are all responsible for our own behavior. Instilling the value of self-leadership in those you lead is one of the best things you can do as a leader.
This starts with holding others accountable for their behavior and performance versus taking the bullet every time. Take responsibility when appropriate and help others do so when it’s appropriate; that’s modeling productive humility.
TAKE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE
When you are overly humble, giving credit where credit is due will not be a problem. Taking credit or accepting compliments may be.
When you deflect credit or deflect compliments due to excessive humility, it can be tiresome for those trying to give you credit. The inability to receive positive feedback won’t always check the humility box in people’s minds - it can often be perceived as insecurity. When you own your success graciously it exudes an aura of healthy confidence. There’s nothing wrong with taking ownership if you are responsible for a good performance.
If you have spent your life deflecting praise - and possibly redirecting it toward others - then taking credit for a job well done might at first feel uncomfortable. One way to practice this skill is to simply say, “Thank you so much” and then bite your tongue.
Pay attention to your emotions and your impulses (what you want to do), and thoughts when you do need to bite your tongue. See if the discomfort abates over time. If it doesn’t, this is a great area for coaching!
Stepping into a leadership position doesn’t mean you will transform into the perfect role model overnight. Everyone has areas of their personality that could use some calibration. It’s certainly better to err on the side of humility than arrogance as the former is easier to improve upon than the latter. In the grand scheme of things, there are far worse things in the world than being too humble.
The way out starts with self-awareness. Keep a lookout for times when you want to go in a direction - or feel you know the answer to a problem - but are yielding to the group or an individual.
Don’t let yourself continually take the fall for someone else’s mistakes because it’s more comfortable than addressing the issue with them.
And lastly, get comfortable with these two words: “Thank you.”
[study cited earlier: Hu, J., Erdogan, B., Jiang, K., Bauer, T. N., & Liu, S. (2018). “Leader humility and team creativity: The role of team information sharing, psychological safety, and power distance.”]
