Welcome to Down to Find Out, a column in which Nona Willis Aronowitz addresses your biggest questions about sex, dating, relationships, and all the gray areas in between. Have a question for Nona? Send it to downtofindout@gmail.com or fill out this Google form. (It’s anonymous!)
Do you believe it is possible for teens to fall in love? Not just puppy love, but, like, real love. The love our parents feel for one another. Is it healthy to feel it so young?
—Bear, 16, she/her
I relish the chance to answer this question, because every single teen knows how it feels for a parent or another adult to brush off their strong romantic feelings. “There are lots of fish in the sea!” they’ll say dismissively, as they pack up your family’s moving truck. Or, as you weep after a heart-wrenching breakup: “It was just a summer fling!”
TL;DR: Teens can absolutely fall in love.
Adults might tell you that your brain is still developing, and that’s true; in fact, it’ll continue to develop well into your twenties. But according to experts, the part of your brain that develops later is some of the prefrontal-cortex-based executive functions, such as being able to assess risk and behave rationally under stress or overwhelming feelings. The more instinctive, basic emotions, like love, are already there. You just might not yet be able to have proper control or sound judgment when those emotions are flooding through you—especially in “reward-sensitive” environments, where the temptations of immediate feel-good experiences are strong. And being in love is certainly one of those experiences!
So, yes, the love you’re feeling is real, important, and healthy. Don’t let a well-meaning adult diminish it. You feel a genuine connection to another human, and that’s beautiful. But there’s a caveat: It’s not exactly like the love your parents (or two adults in a longterm relationship) might feel for one another.
A lot stands in the way of teens’ ability to have an enduring, committed, functional romantic relationship. The aforementioned brain development is one obstacle; emotional immaturity and lack of life experience are two others. Teens are still figuring out who they are and what they want. They often don’t yet have mature, vulnerable ways to talk about things like rejection, jealousy, or the need for space. Meanwhile, your hormones are going completely nuts, so it will take a while to distinguish between sexual attraction and the qualities that make a person a compatible longterm partner.
I know it’s painful to think that the love you’re feeling may not last forever (although a small percentage of high school sweethearts do make it). But that’s not to say teen love isn’t meaningful. You’re learning about your desires and your capacity for intimacy. You’re learning what it means to care very deeply for someone in a whole new way. This period of openness and discovery is why many people still think about their first loves decades later. I can’t tell you what will happen in the future, but I can affirm and validate what’s happening to you in the present.
